Wow, has it really been TWO MONTHS since my last correspondence? Usually I try to write something down at least once a month on the blogosphere – of course, you the regular reader will know this. I guess that gives you an idea of where I am at in terms of writing anything at the moment.
Tonight, I write to you again from my attic of nerd things. Well I don’t really write anywhere else – maybe I should try somewhere else. This place is a sanctuary as well as a prison. The roof has always felt like it has been closing in on me inch by inch but that’s mostly because I have grown up in this room. Being 6ft 1in in an attic means it is not the most ergonomic of living spaces. Of course, between a select few there is always that joke that I never leave this attic but I do, it just that nobody seems to notice.
Last weekend it was hard not to notice that I not only left the bedroom but I also left the country. My oldest friend wanted a holiday for his 24th birthday and Amsterdam was the chosen destination. The city itself is a beautiful clash of the old and the new as the high rise mansions look over the many canals and the many pedestrians trying not to get run over my trams or cyclists. Well… both at the same time actually.
Amsterdam is quite the most different place I have ever visited. I was warned to avoid the legal drug places – which I did, duly. Sadly I could not avoid the constant smell of smoke everywhere. The Dutch smoke too much! It wasn’t too surprising but coming from a country that has banned public smoking and makes sure everybody knows the health dangers of smoking, it was weird being in a place that openly encourages the taking of harmful substances.
Talking of openly encouraging particular… services. On the first morning of the trip, I was firmly introduced to another particular freedom legally available in the Netherlands. Walking around in the middle of a grey day we reached a square (which was more circular) that was centred by a large church – that I wanted to climb up to synchronise my map like I was Ezio. Back to the point, surrounding the church behind red see-through doors were ladies of the night, in the day. Dressed in as little as possible waiting for custom whilst most were thinking of their lunch, I saw a few of the girls pressed against the glass like zombies at the start of a walkthrough of a video game. The rest knew their services probably would not be required so much in daylight, as they were glued to their iPhones.
It was certainly quite the culture shock having only landed a few hours before. I didn’t know whether I felt intimidated by the freedom or I felt sorry for the girls who had decided to choose this particular profession as a career. I wondered what had driven each and every one of them to that position. Maybe it is a safer job in a country where it is regulated and controlled but there are just surely better ways to make a living (says the guy who is being stopped from making a living day after day. What do I know?!). Later that night I saw the main Red Light District lit up in all its glory and my lasting image is of a man in a baseball cap leaving the room of a girl with a smile on his face hot footing it over to his friend who waited with a handshake. It’s a tourist attraction with “attraction” being the optimum word.
Now, I will say I did enjoy my trip to Amsterdam. It was a fun trip with some good people. However, I have started to notice a trend within myself that is starting to worry me. Within 24 hours of my return from the Netherlands, I was asked a few times about my visit. Before I went away, someone I talk to quite a lot noticed that I did not seem at all excited for going and was baffled at this. Another chat with this same person showed a lack of enthusiasm on my part in describing my holiday. I sounded so flat and sad that it seemed I had a bad time even though I have said quite the opposite.
It seems my troubles to find a place in life are now starting to affect my enjoyment of life. The holiday was a nice a distraction from my problems but I just seem to not take in everything that should be enjoyable any more. I feel rather down all the time despite my best efforts to throw myself into other things. Part of me worries that if things don’t get better for me, there will come a point in time where I am not enjoying a single part of my existence. Am I unwell? Is this just normal for someone in my position? Maybe I just can’t allow myself to escape any more. I don’t deserve to escape my problems.
Let’s try and end positively, shall we? A number of good things lined up within the next month to six weeks. Live music to hear, more adventures to be sought and seeing two wonderful people start a life together. The enjoyment is there… I just hope I actually feel it.
An aside – The trip to the Anne Frank’s house was quite an humbling one and reaffirmed my wish for a world without racism. What a story. Her poor family. Obviously there are no photos as photography is understandably prohibited. However I did leave something in the digital guestbook:
Anne, your words live with us all. Your story is immortal. We will never forget.
Lee Savery - Writer 
I’ve been to Holland but never Amsterdam. It sounds pretty crazy. Would you recommend it? Even if just to say I’ve been.
In regards to the lack of enjoyment in life: It could just be that your friend was reading too much into things, but if you think that there might be some substance to what was said it might be worth thinking about seeing someone. I read your blog regularly and feeling out of place and aimless does seem to be a recurring theme. It’s quite common, I’m told, in people trying to find their way in the world, but that doesn’t make it okay. You might benefit from seeing someone about it. There are a number of charities if you’d rather not see a doctor, too.
Samaritans are available 24/7
On a side (more cheerful) note: I like your hat. Keep it. You don’t need a new one.